five ways to save baseball
- A New Commissioner
Yeah, it's an easy stance to take, as just about everyone who's ever heard of the sport wants current Commissioner of Major League Baseball Bud "It's a tie! Everyone wins!" Selig to hit the showers once and for all. But let's not forget that whoever replaces Bud the Dud is going to have an uphill struggle restoring the public's confidence in the market - um, i mean game. Unlike the Harvey Pitt of baseball, it'll have to be someone who loves the game, won't tolerate pitchers who throw beanballs as if they were sunflower seed hulls, and (perhaps most importantly) does not have a financial interest in any of the teams.
Former US President and Jimmy Carter, a man who could make Jim and Tammy Faye kiss and make up (shudder), has offered to mediate, and some have even suggested drafting Jimmy as the next Commish. All good except for the fact that he's a Braves fan, and that would just be Wrong. there's another former Southern governor whose earlier stated ambition was to be Baseball Commissioner, but i care about the game too much to let Uncurious George screw it up any worse than it is now.
likewise, none of the current or recent MLB execs are ready to step up to the plate. Frank Robinson left to try and convince the Expos to win a game once in a while, and Bob Watson has the taint of Selig on him - e.g., fining Shawn Estes for throwing at Clemens' giant ass (and how did he miss?) but ignoring the Sprocket's throw at Barry Bonds' wrist, which he'd openly stated he would do beforehand.
then who? i nominate Jesse "The Governor" Ventura. he may not be a baseball fan (i honestly don't know), but he stood up for his hometown Twins when Selig threatened to contract them (say "inside deal" three time fast). i see Jesse as someone who wouldn't fine Fat Bastard for throwing a broken bat at Mike Piazza, he'd fly into LaGuardia, hop on the Number 7 train, walk into the stadium and flatten him. then he'd fine and suspend him. - Bye-Bye Brewers
hey, contraction wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. especially when it's Bud Selig's team, the useless Milwaukee Brewers. i have nothing against Milwaukee: this is the city that welcomed Hank Aaron into the majors. to truly honor the Hammer's career both as player and symbol of what's right with the game, this team shadow-owned by Selig, playing in a park named for a tobacco company's lameass beer, and only playing slightly better than the pathetic Devil Rays must go. - Ditch the DH
there are things about commercial baseball that irk me that i am willing to forgive. the pampered closers for example, especially in the AL, where even an 18-run lead gets you one in the 'S' column. the endorsements (see below). the bobbleheads. but the designated hitter is an abomination before the Lord. besides, there's nothing like watching a pitcher take a cut at a 95-mph fastball and actually make contact. - No more Viagra ads
please, Rafael. we really did not want to know. - WOMEN
there are no female players in the Major Leagues. why the hell not? most female players are pushed into softball by the time they reach middle school, leaving them with the shining career prospect of ... nothing. i have seen little league girls who can play second like Roberto Alomar used to, throw no-hit streaks that last for weeks, and plug a curveball through the gap in left-center for a stand-up triple. c'mon, guys, say it with me: Title Nine. baseball needs to be dragged kicking and screaming into at least the late Twentieth Century. we need a Jacqui Robinson.
Labels: BurqueDays
posted by Jon Drucker @ 8:38 PM
0 Comments
